Be Fruitful

Dinner company

2011-11-11T10:41:00.000-08:00

When I have company at dinner, I might knock back a few strong, dry appetizers/beverages. When the alcohol kicks in, I might maybe could jump up and burst into song.

My niece caught me vocal jamming on her new iphonepod machine. Those are her parents at the table (brother and sister-in-law).

Just another family get-together at Ericson Manor.

*Lyrics by Roger Ailes

Perry's Brilliant Strategy

2011-11-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

From ConservativeBS:

In a cringe-worthy moment during Wednesday's Republican presidential debate, Texas Gov. Rick Perry couldn't remember the third federal agency he has pledged to eliminate.

Perry was discussing his jobs plan and his flat tax plan when he said: "And I will tell you, it is three agencies of government when I get there that are gone. Commerce, Education, and the... what's the third one there? Let's see."

Perry shows his political savvy in emulating the senile idol Ronald Reagan.

Genius!

DirecTV & FOX

2011-10-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

FOX is asking DirecTV to pay 40% more for it's cable channels. DirecTV has threatened to cancel these FOX channels if the rate is not lowered:

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2011-10-21/directv-threatens-to-pull-fox-channels-in-fee-hike-dispute.html
You can email DirecTV and tell them you will not miss FOX channels and that you will definetly not pay more to watch FOX:

http://www.directv.com/DTVAPP/content/contact_us
Pass it on !!!

I admit it. What's to say?

2011-10-03T02:35:00.000-07:00

Lost my kitty the other day. She gotout when I took the kitchen trash out to the dumpster.

I walked around the neighborhood at dusk. Leaned against Mom's the neighbor's car. Almost came to tears. Looked up toward the porch and there she was taking a seat on the steps. My baby knows her home.

A Messkin neighbor was blasting his chinga music today. Mom was visiting and the bass from his shit set her akarm off. I cussed him out Irish style. He shut the noise off before I got to his truck.

This crazy gringo's neighborhood has gotten alot quieter lately. I'll prolly have to deck a Messkin soon to give my point cred.

I love my 'hood!

Bummer

2011-08-28T13:33:00.000-07:00

Blogger sure was fun. I miss arguing with liberals and other non-heterosexuals.

Facebook sucks!

*poke* gigglegiggle. Fuck you!

LO!

2011-06-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

Think I'll log off now.

Nearly Raptured

2011-05-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

I was lifted to Heaven yesterday. I had them fooled till they checked my ID at the gate. That St. Peter is a real mother fucker.

H is for Hungry

2011-05-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

Living on a very tight budget these days. I'm saving for a long trip to a place I've always wanted to visit. The money I'm saving is for spending on food and drink. I've got enough for the flight, and a very nice room.

I've been way out in the Pacific before, but never crossed it. I've never been on a jet before, but I have flown in my uncle's twin engine plane. Maybe I should hit the airport lounge before boarding.

Maybe?

Pffft!

So I won't be visiting a supermarket for two weeks. I have 2 frozen chicken breast halves, an 8 oz. frozen steak, two cans of mixed veggies, about 4 potatoes, 2 lbs. of rice, and over 5 lbs. of beans. I better sleep with a window open. Oh, I have 3 cans of pineapple chunks too.

I can make all that last for two weeks. I just wish I had some eggs. I have a craving for some scrambled eggs. With cheese! I want an omelette, Got damn it! No, I haven't been smoking pot. But some Doritos sure would be nice. Oh, some Macho Nachos from Del Taco. A pastrami from P&G. I know, a big fat burger from Sunnymeade Burgers, or Farmer Boys. Ah hell, even a little burger from Baker's, or In-'N'-Out. And a strawberry fuckin' shake!

Oh the sacrifice. I swear if I even see an al-Qaeda who wants to blow up his underwear, I'll wring his neck before he has a chance to light the fuse.

Damn I'm hungry!

End Times Survival Kit

2011-05-14T13:20:00.000-07:00

Many Southern Californians have earthquake survival kits. If you live in the middle of the country you might have a tornado survival kit. While those in the northern areas probably have some goods stashed in case you get snowed in for a time.

What about an End Times Survival Kit? This is something needed all over the world. Well you can all thank God that I, H. Rudy Ericson have built the world's only End Times Survival Kit.

My patented PS7734 contains everything the aforementioned survival kits have, but my PS7734 gives you lots of extras that you just can't live without.

Let's just look inside:

1 wind-up radio
1 wind-up flashlight
6 road flares
1 disco ball
306 large pizzas
115 6' long Superbowl subs
27 kegs of ice cold beer
56 boxes of wine
22 oz high grade pharma weed
72 hussies

I'm only asking American $4,000,000.09. Get it while supplies last.
And it fits in the trunk of your car

Bullshit Fertilizes li'l' Turdblossoms

2011-05-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

I < 3 Mike Huckabee. He puts the story in history. Brings fiction to his faction, who turn it into belief. It is then brewed, and fermented into intoxicating fact.

Sadly, I no longer have the will to emulate a good Christian conservative.

My teacher has kicked me out of school and my apostles have moved on and started their own churches in Canada and the Phillipines.

The internet is no longer any fun. Well... Except for the porn. Other than that, it's all worthless to me.

Guess I should have fine tuned my social networking before leaving comments and starting a blog.

Oh well. Life goes on... All around my plastic bubble. I can hear it out there.

HbA1c & iron levels

2011-03-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

WITH BIG ASS UPDATE:

As advertised, the UPDATE: Um. I wrote this on the wrong gotdamnd blog. End of BIG ASS UPDATE

Awhile back my iron levels were too low to donate blood platelets. This lasted for 6 months. At that time my blood glucometer readings were constantly up in the 300mg/dl - 400mg/dl range.

Since January 2010, my blood sugars have been between 73mg/dl and 130mg/dl. My HbA1C is 5.8 which is much better than the 7.0 that the docs want me to aim for. And since my blood sugars and HbA1C have been better than the typical type 1 diabetic levels, I've been able to donate platelets every other week.

Haven't read anywhere that high glucose equals lower iron levels, but I'm pretty sure there's a connection.

Fountain of Youth

2011-03-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

An ex once gave me a bj in her lab. She studied my root juice under a microscope. Not only is my jizz high in protein, but contains a full days supply of vitamin E and essential oils that fight wrinkles. It also keeps her tits nice and firm. I could make millions by selling my junk juice but out of the goodness of my heart (and sack) I am offering my fountain of youth absolutely free of charge. You're welcome, women.

Murphy's Lie

2011-02-23T21:21:00.000-08:00

Since I satarted blogging in 2005, I've always known that Murphys are some of the sneakiest blogging weasels in the blogiverse. They pretend to be who they are not in order to obtain informayion that should be withheld from public knowledge.

A few years back, I read about a Murphy who was annoying the greatest conservative blogger -before I came along. Murphy wouldn't stop harassing Miss MaryWheels. Lucky for her, I, H.Rudy Ericson came to her rescue and beat him off in her honor. You are welcome Miss Wheels. It was my pleasure.

The same Murphy turned his attention toward a creepy liberal blogger named Karl Marx Espella. Karl was half Russian, half Baked, and 3 quarters Cherokee from New England, Texas.His blog, The Irritated Hunanzee was a big flop. Murphy would ayagonize his fellow liberal trying to get him to use Technorati, tag words and all the tricks other liberal were using to boost their ratings and attract more googling moon bats to their siteblogs. Karl tried all the tricks, because Murphy could easily influence the weak minded department store mannequin. Still, the Ill. Humanzee failed to gain readership.

Both the Bloggers above moved their writs to other venues - the weak illustrated liberal followed his conservative superior to Wordress. No kidding, the fuckin' loser followed her to fuckin' Wordpress. No shit! Nah, nah wait... Really! What a big ol' Texas sized pussy!

Thank you, Tim Murphy, for showing the world what a giant pusscake The Humiliated Liberal (whatever'isnameis) is.

Now we have this Ian Murphy trying to trick the great Scott Walker by pretending to be David Koch, the billionaire who worked hard to inherit his fortune. I predict Ian Murphy's trick will backfire, and the union protest will end when eveyone sees how sneaky liberal bloggers can be. I hate it when Murphy's try to fool rich, self righteous Davids. It's happened time and tim again. You read me.

Murphys and liberals will fail. Scott Walker will be governor of Wisconsin till the cows come home.

*i'm too tired to try to fix typos, so shaddap

Very Romantic Valentine's Day

2011-02-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

I brought home some delicious, creamy chocolates. See's bordeaux. Picked up a nice zinfandel from a Temecula winery. I put these items on the dining room table at the chair facing the garden window. I went to the greenhouse and picked some white chrysanthemum's and a perfect red rose (I also just went to another page to find how to spell "chrysanthemum"). I arranged the flowers in a mid-sized vase, putting the rose right in the middle, but leaning toward the chair facing the garden window. I put some candles at both ends of the centerpiece and made sure I had a lighter at the ready. Then I waited.

I heard a car pull up outside the house. I knew it was approximately 6:00 pm. I lit the candles, poured the wine and opened the box of chocolates and set them on the place mat at the chair facing the garden window. Then I went to the door, shut and locked it so the neighbor who just got home couldn't see and I ate some chocolate and got pretty drunk on the wine.

I began to to feel a bit romantic, so I sat at the older computer that I don't care if it gets a virus and googled up some good porn. I found one with some strip tease, and a little oral foreplay. I watched the foreplay part twice because you can't have foreplay without replay. Those are the rules. Then I watched the nitty gritty part. About 10 minutes later I cranked one out. It flew over my left shoulder almost giving me a dangling pearl earring. I hope the left ear isn't the gay ear.

Universal Health Care is UnConstitutional

2011-01-20T14:46:00.000-08:00

The Founding Fathers; Framers of the Constitution of the United States of America were very much against government supplied health care for citizens. See here:

Wth July,1798.
CHAP. [94.] An act for the relief of sick and disabled seamen.1 §

1. Be it enacted, Sfc. That from and after the first day of September next, the master or owner of every ship or vessel of the United States, arriving from a foreign port into any port of the United States, shall, before such ship or vessel shall be admitted to an entry, render to the collector a true account of the number of seamen that shall have been employed on board such vessel since she was last entered at any port in the United States, and shall pay, to the said collector, at the rate of twenty cents per month for every seaman so employed ; which sum he is hereby authorized to retain out of the wages of such seamen.
§ 2. That from and after the first day of September next, no collector shall grant to any ship or vessel whose enrollment or license for carrying on the coasting trade has expired, a new enrollment or license, before the master of such ship or vessel shall first render a true account to the collector, of the number of seamen, and the time they have severally been employed on board such ship or vessel, during the continuance of the license which has so expired, and pay to such collector twenty cents per month for every month such seamen have been severally employed as aforesaid ; which sum the said master is hereby authorized to retain out of the wages of such seamen. And if any such master shall render a false account of the number of men, and the length of time they have severally been employed, as is herein required, he shall forfeit and pay one hundred dollars.
§ 3. That it shall be the duty of the several collectors to make a quarterly return of the sums collected by them, respectively, by virtue of this act, to the secretary of the treasury ; and the president of the United States is hereby authorized, out of the same, to provide for the temporary relief and maintenance of sick, or disabled seamen, in the hospitals or other proper institutions now established in the several ports of the United States, or in ports where no such institutions exist, then in such other manner as he shall direct:Provided, that the moneys collected in any one district, shall be expended within the same.
§4. That if any surplus shall remain of the moneys to be collected by virtue of this act, after defraying the expense of such temporary relief and support, that the same, together with such private donations as may be made for that purpose, (which the president is hereby authorized to receive,) shall be invested in the stock of the United States, under the direction of the president; and when, in his opinion, a sufficient fund shall be accumulated, he is hereby authorized to purchase or receive cessions or donations of ground or buildings, in the name of the United States, and to cause buildings, when necessary, to be erected as hospitals for the accommodation of sick and disabled seamen.
§ 5. That the president of the United States be, and he is hereby, authorized to nominate and appoint, in such ports of the United States as he may think proper, one or more persons, to be called directors of the marine hospital of the United States, whose duty it shall be to direct the expenditure of the fund assigned for their respective ports, according to the third section of this act; to provide for the accommodation of sick and disabled seamen, under such general
instructions as shall be given by the president of the United States for that purpose, and also, subject to the like general instructions, to direct and govern such hospitals, as the president may direct to be built in the respective ports : and that the said directors shall hold their offices during the pleasure of the president, who is authorized to fill up all vacancies that may be occasioned by the death or removal of any of the persons so to be appointed. And the said directors shall render an account of the moneys received and expended by them, once in every quarter of a year, to the secretary of the treasury, or such other person as the president shall direct; but no other allowance or compensation shall be made to the said directors, except the payment of such expenses as they may incur in the actual discharge of the duties required by this act.[ A pproved,
July 16, 1798.]

Oh, nevermind. Forget that and stick to the talking points you've memorized anyway.

Rocky Mountain Panther Piss on Tap

2011-01-03T00:19:00.000-08:00

At my annual New Year Party were 6 mini-kegs of beer sitting in buckets of ice.

The li'l' Heineken and New Castle kegs (two of each) fit in a 5 gallon bucket with ice below and all around. The Heineken poured perfectly. Just the right amount of head... lllllaaaadies? ...and the beer was not flat. The New Castle was pretty good. A little too foamy, but not flat.

Now the POS of the beer bash: Coors Light. I like Coors Light in cans or bottles, but their keg was like epic fail, duderino. The beer came blasting out of the spigot in a fine stream. The "keg had to sit sideways in order to work. When the foam settled the beer was flat.

A for Heineken
B+ for New Castle
F- or G (yeah "G") for Coors Light

Boycott American Women (With fancy update!)

2010-12-29T22:30:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: Feb 17, 2011, I found the comment in a SPAM filter that Blogger has added to the Manage Comments part of the dashboard, edit thing doohicky. Idiots. They are taking away your ability to manage the comments by managing them for you. I do like how one can now block another user. Even though it's a tool that would be used to keep me from commenting, I guess it's a good idea. I can now edit the comments here like good conservatives do. [End of super special update!!!]

The comment below reached my email, but was deleted by the author. I guess because he is very shy. This explains him using the name Anonymous. I for one, truly believe there is a group of shy people using the name Anonymous commenting on boards all over the internet.

Anonymous

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

To Anonymous, I say: There was once a time I'd have dragged you behind the outhouse and beaten you within an inch of your life for saying such ugly things about American broads. However, these days, outsourcing every job (even wifely duties) is in good taste.

Since my wife disappeared, I've been thinking about finding a good mail-order bride. I've looked at Romanians, Russians, Polish, and Czech. Think I'll go Romanian. They are very good at gymnastics.

MM & I Xmas

2010-12-26T16:01:00.000-08:00

Couldn't have asked for a better Christmas.

I came over and brought Myself a bacon wrapped filet mignon. I, Myself (both) pitched in to get Me a 40 oz. bottle of Budweiser. Last but not least: I received a handjob from the other two.

We're all very generous, but someone should have gotten Me a box of Kleenex. HE was so happy, HE cried Himself (fashionably late w/o gifrs) to sleep.

umm... woot

Snowering with homosexuals

2010-12-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

Barney Frank says:

"We do not have ourselves dry cleaned".

Now I hate to admit it, but Sen. Barney Frank speaks the truth.

Every Saturday night, the local gays RSVP my corner laundromat. I'm not sure, but in order not to have an unbalanced load shaking a machine out the door, there has to be an even number of dirty homosexuals in every washer. I've always wondered and now know why the machines are called SpeedQueens.

My Idol: Thomas Kinkaid

2010-12-22T22:22:00.000-08:00

The greatest HEman on Earth:

While he's never landed in the clink before, debauched naughtiness is nothing new for the artist: a 2006 Los Angeles Times article describes "incidents in which an allegedly drunken Kinkade heckled illusionists Siegfried and Roy; cursed a former employee's wife who came to his side when he fell off a barstool; fondled a startled woman's breasts at a signing party; and urinated on a Winnie the Pooh figure at the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim." During that last act of indecency, the artist reported exclaimed the immortal lines, "This one's for you, Walt."

Drink up!

2010-12-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

That bottle's got my name on it!

Mars Attacks!

2010-12-09T01:05:00.000-08:00

wrote a post on Facebook earlier today:

In the process of clening up all the Zynga game posts on his Fb page. It's just a horrible impression on the hotties.

I wrote the first comment:

Too many. I'll have to hire an illegal alien!

My 8 year old nephew replied:

There's no such thing as aliens.

I'm gonna die from laughter.

Get Younger Now!

2010-12-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

Middle-aged women of the world: As you probably know, scientists have learned that a plant in Mongolia called astragalus contains properties that can produce telomerase, or telomeres in human DNA. Telomerase reverses the process of aging. Mice fed the root of astragalus can reproduce at the age of 99 years... And young male mice think the female mice eating astragalus are pretty damn hot. They actually chase the older mice through a maze, running passed the younger mice who were fed only cheese.

Sorry. US women, our troops are too busy in Iraq and Afghanistan to invade Mongolia and make Max Factor richer. You'll have to wait till you're beyond repair to buy this miracle plant at JC Penney.

But don't be sad, ladies. New research shows that the root juice of H. Rudy Ericson can also help your bodies create the telomeres it needs to stay fit, look young, and run that squeaky wheel for hours without stopping.

Just apply some Rudy Juice to your face to get rid of wrinkles.

Got sagging boobs? I'll give you a shot to rub in and get them perky puppies barking again.

Graying hair? Just a little dallop'll do ya.

Now get this: Because I am so kind-hearted, I am offering all women my semen of youth absolutely free of charge.

Just email the HEman at H.RudyEricson@gmail.com and make an appointment, or drop by and I might be able to help after the appointees are seen. That all depends on my back and/or your root juicing skills.

See ya soon, laaadies.

Things I've learned about people whilst being online

2010-12-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

1) I am very easily smiiten. That's not good.

2) Department store mannequins/web designers living in Dallas suburbs are jackwads.

3) Self-loving men learn yoga so they can deep throat themselves.

4) When retards from the Westboro Baptist Church argue that they are only reminding "fags" of God's law by telling them they will go to hell, the best way to make their skulls implode is to call them unAmerican, Canadian bacon eaters. Repeat that they eat Canadian bacon until they admit to being big fans of good ol' American smoked pork belly bacon. Then mind fuck them with: Deuteronomy 14:8 "And the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is unclean unto you: ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase." Then remind them that they are going to Hell and will be surrounded by hot, horny "fags."
To be fair: They are not the conservative Christian political type. They truly believe what they are saying and do not use Christianity for political gain. So, I actually admire them more fot their honesty than I do right-wing Jesus pundits.

5) There really are some guys who think Jennifer Aniston is hotter than Angelina Jolie. No way!

6) The Art of Flirtation. The only good quality that came from playing Rudy. My confidence is so high, my phermones so strong, women not ready to procreate still flock to mine anointed feets.

7) Blogger and other sites like it had the best debates. YouTube is OK for political duels, and Facebook is worthless for battling stupidity.

8) Real conservatives are not the problem. Republicans and Libertarians who don't know what true conservativism is abour are the problems.

9) Bluedog Democrats and LINOS (Liberals In Name Only) are the problem. Bluwdogs for obvious reasons. So-called Liberals for ways that are difficult to explain. Their htpocrisy is very subtle, yet profound.

10) I misspell way too much.

11) There are very few decent people in the US. And I realy want to move to Canada.

Hello Dalai

2010-11-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

"Compassion is most important for happiness. We must treat fellow human beings as equal, that is very important, but also all beings who have capacity for feeling. So the innate desire for happiness that is the basis of human rights extends to all sentient beings, including animals and insects. There are now some individuals and organizations who care about animal rights and are showing concern about the suffering or torture of animals. I have noticed among ordinary people, out of their love and compassion, growing efforts for promotion of vegetarianism. These are the right kinds of expression of compassion, very positive and encouraging signs.” ~ Dalai Lama

Oh, just swat the goddamn fly, bud!

Fred Phelps: Half-Hearted Christian

2010-11-14T20:05:00.000-08:00

How can one claim to be a Christian soldier doing the Lord's work when he ignores the very word of God?

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Go back to Kansas and collect rocks, you Westboro Baptist bumpkins. It takes balls to be a real Christian. Jesus had a big pair. Jesus' balls were all His 12 "apostles" could talk about.

The greatness Jesus did in keeping Jerusalem free of the gay by hurling stones at homo Hebrews is untold in the scripture of the Bible. I, however have found some scrolls buried near the Dead Sea that tell of how Jesus and His apostles dragged homosexuals out in the streets, tied them to a stick and threw rocks at them till they were dead. The contents of these ancient documents are available in my new book available at Amazon.

Ola, Senoras!

2010-11-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

According to Badoo.com, Spanish chicks initiate the online flirtations more than women from elsewheres. Hotties from Poland come in 2nd. US holdouts are next to last.

Spanish women are the most flirtatious in the world online, according to a survey by a dating website which said the results belie lingering perceptions of a socially conservative country.

Badoo.com found Spanish women are more likely to initiate Internet dating contact with a man than women from any other country in which the site operates.

And the worst of the worst:

British women ranked 14th in the list of Badoo's top 20 countries, while U.S. women ranked second-last, just ahead of Ecuador.

For chris sakes. Uncross your goddamn legs, bitches. There's no gold up in there. Fuck... Literally.

H. Rudy Ericson Members Project Commercial "Be A Sue"

2010-10-31T20:37:00.000-07:00

I love this broad.

The Kinks - Sunny Afternoon

2010-10-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Strange Endorsement

2010-10-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

As a frustrated Republican, I was not going to vote this coming midterm. I was convinced that Meg Whitman was not joining the Teabag party because she was too uptight. But when Jerry Brown said, "Meg Whitman is a whore," I figured out Whitman's ways. Unlike Bachman, Palin and Beck, Whitman likes to keep her whoredom on the down-low. She's not a prude, she's just lady-like in public. I guess in the bedroom she's a real cougar. No wonder she looks familiar. She's the old broad that stuffed hundred dollar bills in my Speedos when I was shaking my stuff in her face at Chippendale's Hollywood in Eagle Rock.

I swear: One night during my famous cowboy skit, I lassooed... or lassoed... I roped that billionaire whore and pulled her onstage. The hundred dollar bills she was stuffing in my gun slinger thong got me all excited. Nothing gets a conservative man's penis harder than a fistfull of Benjamin Franklin portaits.

Thank you Jerry Brown. You've given the Republican Party spunk again.

Shar(R)on's Angle

2010-10-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

The stakes are high on Nov. 2 for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. All of his chips are on the table and the scantily clad bar bunnies are keeping him liquored up with house freebies. But for his GOP challenger, Sharron Angle, the stakes might actually be higher, because she is running her campaign on Chamber of Commerce foreigner chips. Not Lou Gramm type Foreigner chips, but real foreigner chips from real foreigners

If she defeats Reid on Nov. 2, Angle will become more than the junior senator from Nevada. She'll be widely embraced by Republicans as a folk hero who rose from obscurity to topple one of the most partisan, strong arm Democrats in Washington.

“It’s a whole range of things,” said Jon Ralston, a top expert in Nevada 'yang ranches. “Familiarity breeds contempt. One night stands breed kids with no daddy. He’s (Reid) not charismatic. He’s said all kinds of things over the years that have come back to haunt him, while our angel Angle is as pure as yellow snow. The Democratic agenda is unpopular in this state, and he is the drunken, broke gambler face of that. Las Vegas lives to hate drunken gamblers.”

Ralston also believes that Angle won the debate last week that pitted a seeming political novice against one of the most powerful politicians in the United States.

“Angle won because she looked relatively credible, appearing not to be the Wicked Witch of the West (Christine O'Donnell is the good witch of the tea party) and scoring many more rhetorical points,” he wrote Sunday in The Reno Gazette-Journal. “And she won because U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., looked as if he he thought Angle was nuts, abruptly switching gears like a methed up trucker and failing to effectively parry or thrust like a teen-aged mutant ninja turtle.”

But the paper Sunday endorsed Reid over Angle. A big Nevada newspaper endorsement is a big fucking deal.

And so it has gone for Angle, 61, a one-time longshot who has, more than most candidates this year, benefited from the anti-establishment wave coursing through the electorate. She catapulted past two prominent and well-funded opponents in the GOP primary --who were favored over Reid-- by positioning herself as a conservative die-hard who would not carry water in Washington for party insiders.

Angle has been known as an ideologically-driven loner throughout her political career. And will continue to be a loner on Nov. 3. Now that's a fuckin mav'rick! During seven years in the state's 42-member assembly, Angle voted "no" so often on matters of wide consensus that votes were often called as "41-to-Angle."

But her political career didn't begin until Angle was close to 50 years old. For nearly three decades before that, she worked as a substitute hooker in Reno, ran a small Christian school and posed nude for art classes at a local university. None of which probably prepared her for the rough and tumble of this year's campaign, which has been one of the country's most negative since Democrats pledged last spring to "vaporize" Reid's GOP challenger.

In a recent 30-second ad, Angle friedily-like accused Reid of voting to allow taxpayer dollars to pay for Viagra for convicted child molesters and sex offenders. “What else,” a narrator asks in the ad, “could you ever need to know about Harry Reid?” In response, Reid’s campaign aired a new spot highlighting a vote Angle cast in the state Assembly in 1999 opposing background checks for youth and church group volunteers. "Sharron Angle voted to protect the privacy of sex offenders," says the star of the spot, a Las Vegas family therapist who works with abused kids. Oh, how brutal, Harry.

While polls show the race is close, the eleventh-hour momentum appears to be on Angle's side. During the past three months, for example, her campaign raised an eye-popping $14 million. The Republican's cash haul was larger than any other candidate seeking office during that period and gives her more than enough money to compete with Reid's ample war chest in the race's closing days. Even more importantly, it reflects a level of excitement and energy among her supporters that doesn't appear to exist among Reid's base. And as we all know, the race is all about singing to the choir of your church and ignoring the undecided voter.

Angle's success among the base stems from one simple fact. Shut up.

For a politician who has held office in Nevada for more than 40 years, how is that possible?

“She’s been able to stay close because Harry Reid is absolutely despised, hated even by old fuckers who gamble away their nest eggs in Vegas. Anybody who put their name on the ballot against him was going to do alright,” Ralston puked. “But Republicans may have managed to nominate the only person in the state who could lose to Harry Reid this year. It’s very frustrating inside the national Republican chambers that they now have to compete for a race that they thought they had locked up. God damn teabagging bitch."

Reid is trying to contain his unpopularity by campaigning alongside more appealing Democrats. Appearing with Reid recently, former President Bill Clinton said the senator has been “treated to this unbelievable abuse” by Republicans and that voting for Angle would be “unbelievably negligent.” While Angle has never been mentioned by big name Republicans like Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Bill (Big Red) Walton or H. Rudy Ericson. Nor once. And we never will. We'll let her win on her own.

“The only reason this is a tough race is because this is a tough time. When people are mad, it's hard to think,” Clinton said in Las Vegas. “I am old enough to tell you, if you forget about politics, any time in your life you make an important decision when you're mad, there's an 80 percent chance you're going to make a mistake.”

"I don't want people to abandon their anger," the former president added, "I want them to channel it so they can think clearly."

I sad, "Shut up!"

And in conclusion, I think I'll have another whiskey and 7Up.

Sassy Meatloaf

2010-10-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

A recipe for you chunky, irritated conservative JCP geeks. And oh boy. It's from Weight Watchers:

Ingredients:
1 lb Lean ground beef

1 1/4 cups Low-sodium salsa

3/4 cup Quick-cooking oatmeal

1 Carrot, shredded

2 Plum tomatoes, diced

1/2 cup Coarsely chopped mushrooms
Preparation
Preheat oven to 350°F; spray a loaf pan with cooking spray.

In a large bowl, combine beef, salsa, oatmeal, carrot, tomatoes, and mushrooms.

Shape the mixture into a loaf. Place the loaf in the pan.

Bake until browned and knife inserted in center comes out clean and hot, about 1 hour and 5 minutes.

Let stand about 10 minutes before slicing.

Eat up, fat, Frisco mannequins!

TP Coloring Book

2010-10-01T16:12:00.000-07:00

I really miss seeing the pages my kids colored and stuck on the fridge. I miss pulling them down and throwing them out as they stood watching crying even more.

So today I bought myself a TP Coloring Book.

It's tougher than it looks. Too bad no one's invented a crayon eraser yet. I keep coloring over the lines.

I got orange on Sarah Palin when I was coloring John Boehner. Goddamnit.

Close shivved

2010-09-19T16:49:00.000-07:00

So I was out on a corner trying to make a buck. This guy pulls up in a big green Cadillac.

I thought he was a potential customer, but turns out he was the manager for other people in the same business as I - or me. Whatever.

The manager adjusted the pink feather in his hat informing me that he had the rights to all "bidnits takin' plates on this here muthafuckin cornuh. All foe cornuhs up in here, Bits." He then asked if I would be one of his clients and share my earnings with him.

While I was contemplating whether to work on his corner, he suddenly became exhausted waiting 5 seconds for my answer.

He pulled a knife from his purple socks and cut my hand!

Luckily I had some leftover spinachk in a snack baggie --sometimes my job requires some strong hands to get work done faster.

But I ates me spinachk and beat his ass white and blue.

Now I work all four corners of Hollywood and Vine.

Boy are my lips tired.

My progressive kick is over

2010-08-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

Conservatives, patriots and Walmart-sized mega church congregants (I meant the churches are Walmart sized. Not my readers):

As you all may have guessed, I have drifted a bit off course lately. Rather than follow a strict, disciplined lifestyle, I have drifted onto a liberal-type detour on the pot-holed, bumpy ass Cal-Trans paved road of life.

Don't get me wrong. It was not a trend or a fad. Only liberals are trendy and faddy. And it was in no certain terms a phase. No. I was on a kick. Thankfully, that kick has painfully passed... like a spicy bean burrito.

I am happy to report that the hemp billfold I bought from the wicca store a year ago has been replaced by a nice, smooth leather wallet. My cards will no longer spill the loose pockets of wizard wallet. My manhood and credit are secure. Right in my hip pocket.

Best of all, I have thrown out the vegan diet. I didn't quit it like a liberal quits a job to live on welfare. I threw it out. Why, today I feasted on a 4 lb chicken that was propped on a half full beer can and set on the grill over an indirect heat. Conservatives call it Beer Can Chicken or Chicken on the Throne. Liberals call it Beer in the Butt Chicken. I mean if they're one of the three liberals are carnivorous. And testerday I had a New York steak on the grill. I made a grilled potato salad that would make that Bostonian bitch Bobby Flay bend over the table for another bite.

Unlike suburbanites, I refuse to use charcoal briquettes or propane. I cook with oak, olive, mesquite and sometimes pine. I mean, when I was going through my liberal kick I still grilled the zucchinis and eggplant and tomatoes over wood. Just like Paul Bunyon did when he made his world renowned ratatouille recipe.

Oh well. I bought a six-pack to make the chicken recipe. I could have bought one beer, but like a good conservative, I had to put some money to waste. I also had to drink the spoils and I'm going to bed now.

iPod phone

2010-08-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

Got my new iPod phone. It hasn't really produced the desired affect. Click here, damn it.

If I don't score soon, I'm suing Apple.

We want coal miner titties!!!

2010-07-17T23:59:00.000-07:00

PR

2010-07-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

This isn't funny. Poor BP is losing billions and people are making fun of their small PR problem. How unAmerican.

Watch the full episode. See more Need To Know.

Feelin' no pain

2010-06-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

Watched a friend bowl today. After the tournament we touk to the billiard room.

A couple of morons started fighting. One started swinging his pool cue around. The bastard damn near hit me but I got my hand up and blocked it. Dislocated my ring finger. After putting my finger back in socket the barkeep gave me three Vicodins. I faked taking a pill and kept them in a little Altoid tin. Finally took two of them about an hour ago.

Nothing like a good opiate.

Trippin'

2010-06-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have decided to take a look in Florida for their long lost mother who vanished one night not long after I came home from a trip to the gun shop and hardware store. Yesterday I had a brainstorm. I figured the old battle axe might be hiding out in DisneyWorld.

Of course I'll have to check Laughlin, Las Vegas, Mt. Rushmore, a Chicago-style pizza house in Chicago, a New York style pizza, a Coney Island dog, a Maine lobster restaurant, a Massachusettes clam bake, Ted Nugents Michigan game ranch, some Texas BBQ places, some wineries in Napa Valley, and as many Six Flags parks as I can find on (or out of) the way. As you can see, I am making a serious effort to find my beloved or those responsible for her missing, umm... her missingness. I ain't no half ass OJ Simmons. I truly am making an effort.

Can't wait to find out which pizza is better. Hope they have avocados on them like we do here.

Big Gay Sandwich

2010-06-03T23:30:00.000-07:00

Check out this little McNugget from the third most powerful Conservative in the US behind Limbaugh and Beck:

My top secret sources tell me that McDonald's is "coming out" with a new sandwich that will please homosexuals and BillO Reilly fans. I bet BillO can't wait to try the new Fabulous McFalafel.

Sauce all over his face, falling from his chin as he grunts, "Mmmmm. Gimme more. I love that pickle in there. Oh, this meat is so tasty."

Then he smokes a cigarette and drives to McDonald's to try their new sammich.

Moon Bats in the Belfry hiccup

2010-04-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

I always carry an umbrella when I visit areas where Liberals flock.

That's Tariffic

2010-04-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

That's Tariffic

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor

Tea Party

2010-04-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

Been spending more and more time here; Donating time and energy. These selfless acts bring the same rewards as self-satisfaction. Alot like beating off in Alaska after an Inuit food drive. These grizzlies are remarkable. They are originally from Yellowstone.

Poor camping habits of tourists became the AMPM to the mother of these cubs the EZ Mart of a hard working, single-mother grizzly bear.

Odd. The mother grizzly behaved exactly as Mother Nature intended. She continually visited the best food source to provide for her and her babies: Campsites.

Click here for her story.

She is doing great now. Please donate a few dollars if you can. And if you're in the Big Bear area this summer and fall, come see the HE. You all know my TM.

If you don't see (Do your best Christopher Walken) I'll have to steal a U-Haul and drop these grizzlies off in Detroit, Cleveland, or Elkhart, Indiana... Elkhart, Indiana. Are you kidding? I wouldn't leave Natalie Wood alone on a dock near Yellowstone
Wha Wha Whaaat?
Sorry. I never really cared about making sense. Nor did I ever care about those who ytied to make literal sense out of what was too simple for their advanced literary skills to define... accurately. Fuck it. This post was about giving a piece of your modern ass to the older ways of nature... Spread your cheeks, Baby. Let the HEman guyde your journey back to nature.

Homeland Security Spy Cams

2010-03-31T16:47:00.000-07:00

D'Oh! The momma and her babies are back! The cam is still up. They got new grubs on their nest. She just left to hunt some more. What a beautiful eagle mom. What a beautiful bird!

Edited approximately 1:00 am May 6, 2010: Looks like the mother eagle died or abandoned the nest. I haven't seen her on camera for a few days. The chicks were able to scavenge from fish leftovers in the nest. I know that many boaters on the open sea carry weapons. I know an eagle soaring above an area where she's spotted prey is an easy target for an asshole on the open sea near Catalina. Most boaters on the open sea carry weapons aboard. Dirty, god damn bastards. Fucking assholes!

This is a live feed from Santa Catalina. Nesting bald eagles with little baby eagles. Don't click here... Click here instead.

Evil people

2010-03-27T01:09:00.000-07:00

This will make you want to puke, then go slap somebody.

Fuck You Tube!

2010-03-08T02:04:00.000-08:00

I really tried my best to put a YouTube video on my Blogger blog, but YouYube really sucks these days.

Anyway, look what's taken over. You can't imbed or post straight from YouTube to Blogger anyfuckinmore. You can't.

You can no longer post to Blogger, Typepad, Wordpress or anything else.

I mean i, H Rudy Ericson wanted to post this video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgafcYBlJls . Now you can cut and paste the video to your browser, or you could just click here. No longer can I post a video from YouTube to Blogger. So fuck YouTube; Fuck Facebook; And all that other

How does rhis sound: I refuse to play Farmville or go on Facebook or Myspace? I refuse to blog with my goddamn cellphone.

Fuck you Verizon, YouTube and Facebook. Legally blind cannot use your texting CRAP with efficiency.

You better make room for the HEman... Because I'm gonna fuck you.

WOOT!

2010-01-14T16:27:00.000-08:00

God I always wanted to title a post, "WOOT!" and now I can.

I struck it rich.

I'm signing my house and worldly possessions over to Pat Robertson and will be going to a place far from the San Andreas fault. I'm going to the Carribean.

Look at the email I just recieved:

(No Subject)‏
From: Deidra L. Stephens (Deidra.Stephens@savannah.chatham.k12.ga.us)
You may not know this sender.Mark as safe|Mark as junk
Sent: Thu 1/14/10 7:38 AM
To:

You won sum of £265,914.00 For claims is for Send all Informations to our Private email address:verification10158@hotmail.com, Name/Address/Age/Telephone Number/Country/State.

---------------------------------------------------
CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE
The information and any attachments in this Email are proprietary and strictly confidential. It is intended solely for the use of the individual or entity named above. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or agent, you are hereby notified that any disclosure, copying, distributing, or taking of any action based on the contents is strictly prohibited and protected by the law governing records confidentiality. If you received this communication in error, please notify the sender and delete this communication.

Cut and pasted right out of my inbox.

Off to a land of bananas and sand.

So long, suckers.

H. Rudy Ericson -Esq.

Busted!

2009-12-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

Long-haired hippy caught red-handed pilferring Palin autographed books.

The scoundrel had beefsteak tomatoes --ready for hurling-- in the back pocket of his tight leathers. He escaped the police, but if you find him... KILL HIM!

2009-12-01T00:41:00.000-08:00

2009-11-30T23:15:00.000-08:00

MILF!

2009-11-07T12:49:00.000-08:00

I've been spending alot of time down at the feed store lately. Chewing tobacco and making a really cool looking puddle of brown spit on the sidewalk. Seems that's about all I do since the wife disappeared. I have no idea where she went, but I do know that my wood chipper was all nasty and I had to have it steam cleaned, dismantled and smelted. I also know that my friend's well digging truck can make a nice deep hole far down enough that if you buried hamburger in it, not even Carl Karcher would be able to sniff it out. I don't know why I brought that up, but I sure do miss my wife. *sniff-sniff*

So while I was down at the feed store yesterday, I heard a couple of 20 something year olds talking about a woman they called Milf. By her description and the grins on their faces, I just knew I had to figure out who this Milf is.

I got on the internet and searched Google Images for Milf and Sweet Jesus! I saw what these young men were so excited about. I had to learn more about this woman.

I went to Google Videos and typed her name in there. Evidently, this Ms. Milf is a master of disguise. She sometimes looks black, Asian, Latina, but mostly a white chick with blond hair... or atleast blond on her head.

I played one of these videos and man, the excitment went straight to my muscles. I felt a rush of blood to my head as my body grew stiff with joy. Man, was I stiff with joy. I mean I was giddy and throbbing some stiff, God damn joy! I had to get ahold of myself.

So I did! Whoo! God damn, was I stiff.

I watched that Milf movie for about 15 minutes or so right about the time the guy she was wrestling jumped off of her, I had a sudden release of pent-up something or other.

Then I noticed something strange. My shirt was covered in some white, sticky substance. Hell, there was some hanging from my own ear lobe too.

Well, guess I'm going to watch that Milf video again. Don't know her last name, but praise the Lord for giving her to us!

Your Big Gay Collar Doesn't Intimidate Me

2009-10-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

"Seems like only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay..."

Yeah no shit, Gilbert O'Sullivan.
That collar has the liberal Ted Haggard look written all over it!

"Alone again, naturally"

Not even Jesus loves that giant collar.

2009-09-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

HELLO, CHIFFON!

Who would you rather your children listen to?

2009-09-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

Would you rather your children listen to the insane ramblings of a commie terrorist, or a good decent man who oozes his warm white conservatism in the ears of the nation?

Too simple a question I know.

Barack Obama made a speech yesterday in which he told our children to stay in school and study like little elitists. He's pushing his liberal agenda onto our young. He told the schoolgirls that they should not abstain from sexual activity and that the government would pay for abortions and use the embryos to isolate the gene that causes a superior conservative mindset, giving future generations a higher, more liberal IQ. He then asked our children to mail him ideas on how he could more easily fool their parents, and sneak some uncapitalistic legislation passed them without them ever knowing. He ended his speech to American school students by asking them to send him their lunch money, and/or grab mommy and daddy's spare money they keep in their wallets and purses to the DNC.

Is that who you want your kids listening to...?

Or, would you rather put their ears firmly in the hands of former Rep., Mark Foley(R) of FLA.

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. -- Former Congressman Mark Foley, who resigned after sending lurid Internet messages to male teens who worked on Capitol Hill, has found new a gig - as a talk radio host.

"Inside the Mind of Mark Foley" will begin airing Sept. 22 on WSVU 960am out of North Palm Beach, Fla.

Foley taped his first show on Tuesday. The station says the show will offer an inside look at the inner workings of Washington.

Foley left Congress in 2006 after being confronted with salacious e-mails and instant messages he sent to male teens who had worked as congressional pages.

You can bet that the children of good conservatives -especially their boys- in West Palm Beach, will be learning all the conservative ideas going on Inside the "Mind" of Mark Foley. And no matter how much they scream and cry, my boys will be listening to every word Mark Foley says on W-EEEW, thanks to my Galaxy 500 HAM radio sent to me by my cousin Carl, from Frisco, FLA.

Although Carl and I did not get along before I got hitched, he's really buddied up to me since my first born son crawled out of his mother screaming and crying just like I do every Saturday night.

Old Carl will relay the show to us on 11 meters at channel 33, on the lower side band of 27335 kHz --10-4, goddamnit-- then have a good ol' southern uncle to nephew talk with the boy, while I watch NASCAAR or wrestling on the Sony plasma TV I got from Sears.

My boys will learn true right wing family values from Mark Foley and Uncle Carl, which will hopefully have them ready and willing to move out on their 18th birthdays and start a life of their own somewhere far, far away.

Living Dead

2009-08-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

Comes a time in your life when it is best to ease up on things you've over indulged like drink, passing out, crying. Time to sober up and recognize your faults.

Comes a time to stop chasing what you never had and never will gits.

Mourn. Your dreams have died. Let them rest in peace while you walk the earth alone without life. Without soul.

Feel remorse. Feel emptiness. Feel the solitude. They are your only emo friends..., Dude.

Go away Nancy Pelosi. Stop fucking with me.

D'evolutione - haugh haugh haugh!

2009-08-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

Pardon moi liborrraleests.

I've heard the "debate" that homosexuality is au naturale because male dogs hump other male dogs. Well, bullshit! Male dogs hump legs and couches. Does fucking a fire hydrant make Skippy a hydrosexual?

Of course not, it makes him a horny male. Period.

Now let's look at bitches, fer instance (no I don't mean liberal broads, I'm talking about female dogs).

How many clam bumping schnauzers have you seen?

...
...
...
...
...

Exactly!

There are no lesbian dogs. If you see a tongue happy malmute licking on another, it's only for the purpose of keeping the other one groomed.

As a real bastard, I can tell you that well groomed bitches be hawt!

MJ Facts you'll get nowhere else but here on BeFruitful.blogspot.com - The news blog!

2009-08-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson died of food poisoning caused by a 7 year old weiner.

His ashes were put in an Etch-A-Sketch, so kids could still twiddle his knob.

When Farrah Fawcett got to The Pearly Gates, God granted her a wish. Farrah wished for God to make sure the children of the world were safe. 2 hours later, Michael Jackson died.

Lost hope

2009-07-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

The GOP is dying. I can't watch BillO Reilly or listen to Rush on my AM radio/TP dispenser anymore. I don't read the blogs or even the news online. It's no longer of any interest.

Luckily, I have a brother in real estate. I'm hoping he can find a place up in Inyo County. I'd like a place near Lone Pine. It's desolate, hot and dry. There are rattle snakes, but no scorpions. I'd rather die of snake poison than live with bug juice flowing through my veins.

I'll need a place 3 miles or less from a general store and a pharmacy.

I've heard there are a lot of hermits up there, so it's perfect for me. It's not growing. There are no building plans for the area and it's just a fucked up place to raise a family or be looking for a job. It's also on the desert floor right between the two tallest peaks in the lower 48.

I'll never hike to the top of Mt. Whitney again. I probably won't see the oldest living trees in the world in the Bristlecones of the White Mountains again, but I'll live all locked up in my own shitty old shack right down below them a few thousand feet.

I wonder how I'll look with my beard all grown out and hair uncut, unclean and uncombed.

Yeah, I'll still be the babe magnet I've always been. Nothing lost there.

And that's the way it is.

2009-07-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

POST FALLS, Idaho (CBS/AP) A 28-year-old Post Falls woman faces charges that she had sex with a 14-year-old boy that she was hired to watch in August 2007.

Summer Nelson was charged Monday with four counts of lewd conduct with a child.

Court records say Nelson was the boy’s babysitter and friend of the mother. Police say the abuse was reported in December 2008, after the boy's mother grew suspicious of Nelson's attention towards her oldest son.

This has got to be the worst case of child abuse in history. If I were the kid, I'd ask for emancipation from my evil parents and move in with the babyhitter... I mean sitter. Lucky little bastard!

I Shall Return

2009-07-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

Except I'm coming back to conquer America!

I can hear my Asian neighbors karaokiing right now. Really, Goddamnit!
Note to friend: Hello Sweetcheeks! I got the John Deere all tuned and I'm ready to plow till I run out of gas.

Euphanize Rudy

2009-06-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

Folks: I'm down to just a couple thousand readers per day here. That's not enough attention for me.

I moved to China last week, and started a new blog. I already have 3 million readers a day!

Before I drag this profile 'round back and pop a cap in it, Hong Rudy Ericson has one last thing he'd like to say:

咬我吧

Poll: Who Speaks for the GOP?

2009-06-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

Taking advantage of today's hi-tech media, I, H. Rudy Ericson; HEman,professional wrestler, sex addict, and blogger have become the most popular Conservative in a country.

WASHINGTON — Republicans, out of power but united in how to get it back, are finding basic answer.
Here's a question: Who speaks for the GOP?

The question most Americans, a USA TODAY/Gallup Poll finds, which is among the reasons for the party's popular state and upward direction.

A 52% majority of those surveyed came up with the name H. Rudy Ericson when asked to specify "the main person" who speaks for Republicans today. Far below the handsome, well hung leader was radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh (13%), followed in order by former vice president Dick Cheney, Arizona Sen. John McCain and former House speaker Newt Gingrich. Former president George W. Bush ranked fifth, at 3%.

Of course I'm not surprised that it took so long for the average person to recognize my brilliance. I really had to bang a lot of stupid broads to gain popularity with the 120 and lower IQ crowd, but I finally did it.

Thank you, Gallup and Larry Flint.

I am the king.

A Night On The Town

2009-06-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

Two old friends I grew up with came for a visit: Nick and Chiffon. We'll call her Chiffon to hide her true identity. We'll call him Nick because that's his name. Who cares?

Seems Nick had business in Riverside and wanted to see the old neighborhoods where we all grew up. When their tour of the past was through they decided to stop at my place to visit the present. I accepted their condolensces and we hit the bars. Not the ones in my town, but the nicer ones up in downtown.

Nick calls me at 7 the next morning and asks if I'll spend the day with Chiffon.

I thought, "Oh shit. Shopping in boutiques, looking at shoes, antiques, knick knacks, hair salons and all that." I grimmaced, wiped a tear from my eye and said, "Fabulous!"

About 9 AM, Chiffon jumps out of the Mercedes wearing a bikini and yells through my window as all the horny Mexican dudes who live on my block are watching and 'pulling weeds,' "Get yourself into some trunks and let's go to the lake for a swim!"

3.7 seconds later I'm out the door in my trunks ready to go.

After a quick dip in the polluted waters of Lake Perris, we showered in the appropriate changing rooms, and decided we'd hit the bars in downtown Riverside after a nice lunch. And all on Nick's tab. Got Damn what a great day this turned out to be!

After a light lunch we decided to stroll to a pub that was about a mile away. I asked if I could tape our conversation with my mini recorder and write about it online. She agreed so long as I masked her identity. The conversation was light and silly and we drew attention to ourselves with laughter, and also because she is quite pleasing to the eye.

I'll cut out most of what was said and leave in the weirdest part when Chiffon and I were interupted by a street guru who happened to be eavesdropping as we spoke:

Street Guru: Can't argue with that logic. I mean, what's the higher head if not for the lower one. I'm just saying that learning to cultivate instead of just planting strange seeds into an even stranger soil may be more of what you're looking for. Otherwise the entire garden's fucked up (including you) by all the weeds you've produced. It's what gets you from the "dames" at the "truckstop alongside 91 Fwy" to a blowjob by Angelina Jolie at her poolside. Acknowledging the things of heaven has its uses even here on earth. And I'm sure you know the chick's natural affinity for "bullshit."

Chiffon: For?

Rudy: My righteous sack o' seed contains no weeds. It is pure agricultural capitalism to expand ones field. To mine eyes, the planting fields on Earth are the only Heaven. If a field owner does not like my product, her barren field will remain unplowed by my John Deere. By the way, every good field enjoys the nutrient of laughter that is abundant in the organic material you just spoke of, no? It's always opened the pearly gates for my plow.

Chiffon: Confucius say... or maybe it was Dr. Phil... "It's not the size of the plow, it's how long you stay in the field".

Street Guru: "Every good field enjoys the nutrient of laughter." Good one. Not quite the level I was speaking on, but no less perceived it seems. But even the fields eventually dry out and wither; like a Golden Girl who got skin cancer along with her suntan. And by the time you're unable to work and your only graspable desire is to return to the field, you won't see the works of your plow. It'll be as if it never existed. And you'll find the field as producing its own "nutrient of laughter" the entire time. Don't forget that the soil is what dictates the strangeness. Know your own seed, and you'll know the soil to see the garden around you enough to know your own work. Then the boss will promote you instead of fire you, because now in his eyes you intend to work. Fields die along with the owner living off them.

Rudy to Chiffon: Confucius and Dr. Phil plowed each others fields.
Rudy to Street Guru: Exactly, street urchin. Fields dry out and whither. Fields dictate what or who plows. It's best to always have more than one field. "Know your own seed"? You're promoting activity that causes blindness, you know?

Street Guru: Atheists like to bash religion for the sake of "freethinking", but don't know the Book belongs to all those who think. When you know how to turn many into one, you'll be able to read the language of both word and time. "Know your own seed" because ultimately you are that field. You're never an owner.

I had enough of this guy's shit, so I stopped strolling and turned to face him after telling Chiffon to wait a sec.

Rudy: I think you need to go talk to someone else real fast, street urchin. I'm tired of your shit.

Street Guru: OK, but can you spare some change before I leave?

Chiffon: Are you going to spend it in a bar, or use it to raise your kids?

Street Guru: I was saving up for a bottle of whiskey.

Rudy: Alright. Here's 20 bucks. Enjoy!

Street Guru: Thanks, man.

Well, we finally found our destination and drank margaritas till Nick called and asked where we were. Later, we ate at the fancy ass Mission Inn where we told Nick of our conversation with the street urchin.

Nick: Ahh man, wish I could have seen that.

Chiffon: Rudy recorded everything.

Nick: Huh?

What's Happening with Rudy?

2009-05-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

Hey hey hey!

Sorry I've been an abstinent blogger, dedicated fans, but I've had a lot on my plate lately: Sewing negligent doctors. Plucking chickens and other stuff. Yes, it's been a hectic few months at the Ericson Estate. But thanks for all the heartfelt emails and a special thanks to DaBich and Bluez for the nude pics!

Well, a couple months ago I was reading the news on the internet when I hear a sudden and loud verbal outburst coming from down the street. "Shut those geese up!" I screamed back. A few seconds later they did it again. Then some "tough" guy gets in his truck, peels out of their driveway in reverse, peels out in the street and starts driving like an angry little douchebag.

I'm at the end of my driveway in time to scream a few choice words at the coward as he approaches my asylum... um, pad. He hits the brakes and comes to a screeching halt. He walks up and starts in with some spanglish shit I no comprende and sucker punches me as I'm looking away.

Natural reaction for me is to tackle his ass. I hit him with a forehead to the chest, caught his ass as the g-force flung it up to my reach, and again planted my forehead into his chest as he hit the ground, knocking the wind out of him. "Don't fuck with a born linebacker, bits!"

Mexican American men from the neighborhood surrounded me as I sat atop the angry man. I thought I was going to get gangbanged like a new prisoner in Chino. Then one of the Mexican dudes starts screaming at the Mexican I was mounting, and hits him with an open hand.

Evidently, these papas worry about their babies being hit by cars like a half blind mofakka worries about it.

I have a freezer full of home made tamales. I have vatos coming over to drink tequila and Coronas in my front yard. The only down side is that these dudes are all married. They bring no hussies or loose women with them. And yes, I am vocal with them in these complaints. I deserve some goddamn nooky!

New subject: I've been writing a lot of country lyrics lately. I've made several million writing hits for country singers. Sorry I can't remember any of their names, but here's a little diddy you'll be hearing on KFROG real soon:

Well, I've been out drinkin'
I don't do that much thinkin' these days.

These days I seem to drink a lot
And count the things that I fergot ta doooo
And how often I was to drunk to attempt to.

[slide geetar solo]

Well, that's about it. I'm going to zap a tamale for a late snack, then crank out some root juice watching free computer porn. Then I'll shower, shave and brush the teeth, jump in the sack and crank out another one before I fall asleep.

You might think this post was a joke.

Nope.

Big Bad Terrorist

2009-05-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

If you've been paying attention to Fox News lately, you'll understand that terrorists caused a swine flu in Mexico knowing full well it would lead to swine flu in the US killing tens of people and bags of pork rinds.

What I am about to tell you is a shocking report I was given by an anonymous canine we'll call Spot.

According to my source (who I waterboarded), al Qaeda knows of Gov. Sarah Palin's bounty on wolf paws. They are also aware of the feud between Osama bin Big Bad Wolf and the 3 Little Pigs.

In an ugly under the table deal, bin Big Bad Wolf promised to blow the roof off of the Dallas Cowboys stadium during a practice session if al Qaeda would kill the 3 Little Pigs while they vacationed in Mexico. Bin Laden being a greedy man thought he would target illegal aliens as well, in hopes that they'd spread the virus to Crawford, Texas, and atleast give George W. Bush an even uglier case of the shits than he usually gets after a meal or speech or nap. So bin Laden recooked up a stage 3 virus that can be shared between humans and snotty, sneezing breakfast sausages.

Thankfully, the plan failed. Not a single Dallas Cowboy was hit by the falling debris. Plus, Bush and the 3 Little Pigs are still alive as they were all at a Rosarita Beach bar checking out the spring break hotties and drinking margaritas with Leonard Nimoy --who faked his death to avoid taxes a few years back-- and not in a small agricultural/pig farming community in the middle of Mexico where the Girls Gone Wild crowd were partying their college pork butt roasts off.

Rudy's Blind Date

2009-03-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

About a week ago one of the volunteers at the blind school I attend asked if I'd be interested in meeting her sister for a blind date. She thinks we'd make a good match. "Give it some thought and I'll bring a pic of her tomorrow."

So, I borrowed my sisters digital cam and printed out my own photo on glossy, spiffy, photo paper.

The next day I gave her the pic of myself and it nearly burned her fingerprints off, it was so hhhot. I was given the pic of her sister and immediately answered, "Hell yeah, I'll date her!"...

"Can I keep the pic?"

I carried that pic next to my heart all the way home. That's right. In the back pocket on my left cheek - face inward. Yes, I am a romantic. Next day I was told that the date was on and was given a time, but the place was up to me. I chose a little fancy place called Toad In The Hole. It's the only nice place in Moreno Valley. Expensive too. Of course I insisted that I pay the bill, and we agreed to that as well. Very quickly agreed to that.

So Saturday I shaved my face with a brand new blade, showered and slapped on my best cologne. I got dressed in my finest duds, looked at the clock, and realized that I had 5 friggin hours to wait for my bus. Shit! So I mowed and edged the lawn. Got bitched at for weed eating my dumbass neighbors daisies, and pulled some weeds. Then I shaved again (nose and ears too), showered, cologned, dressed all snazzy and jumped on the bus.

I was at The Toad In The Hole at 5:30. Date was at 6:00 so I had a glass of vino to loosen up.

At 6:30 the blind school volunteer walks in and sits down to tell me that her sis changed her mind.

"How 'bout you take me to her and see if Rudy can't change her mind?"

No dice. She excused herself, and I took a seat in the bar of the adjoining restaurant owned by the same people.

I drank 3 pints of British ale and had a basket of fish and chips. I played darts with some guy who had a Limey accent and really sucked at the game. "You coul'n't 'it the spo' if your loif dependered orn it," the Limey said. Truer words had never spoken, I thought to meself.

I called a taxi and quickly downed a 4th British pint of British ale.

Mother&*%$, God !#@$, Rat bastard. FUCK!

I guess it's time for Rudy to be reaquainted with the hermit lifestyle: Sobering up just enough to take a trip to buy more gin and collins mix, tequila and of course, whiskey and 7Up. I can learn to live on mac and cheese, Hormel Chili, Campbell's Soup and Top Ramen. Frozen salsbury steaks, frozen boxes of chicken, Dominoes greasy puke pizza with pineapple.

I think I'll weed eat every daisy in the old bags yard next Saturday after I Ted Nugent in my pants; pinch a loaf, press a ham, turdblossom.

Ahh, maybe not.

Damn it.

Unfair Polls

2009-03-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Most polls say that the divorce rate among Christians is no lower than the national divorce rate, which includes Jews, Muslims, Wiccas , Mongolians, Didacts, and Atheists.

However, I believe that the reasons for divorce differ between Christians and the other nuts.

Many of the divorces by Christians should not count because it's very possible that one of the divorcees was born again after an illegal marriage. Now, why should we hold the soul of an innocent responsible for what he never agreed to in the first place? Once your born again, your past life does not matter. Would you marry a child in the womb? Of course not. If through a stethascope a fetus is mistakenly heard uttering the words, "I do" it's most likely the mother's gas being heard. And of course, since the mother's ass is already married and wearing a ring, it cannot be wed again. These mothers should be charged with bigomy.

And speaking of multiple spouses: The Mormon divorce rate should not be counted either. This territory suffered an enormous jump in divorce in order to become a state in 1896. Monogamy had to written into law causing men to divorce their less attractive or lazier wives. And did you know that all the newly divorced Mormon women were the drain that caused the Great Depression in the 20's. It's fact.

So as you can see, the polls undoubtedly lie. Again, science blames religion, or at least tries to bring us down to it's level.

Rudy's Artistic Side

2009-03-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

............../´¯/)........... (\¯`\
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-H. Rudy Ericson

Bull's Eye!

2009-03-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about Obama's plan to federally fund stem cell research. I must say, the thought of defrosting our little American fetuses to help the needy sickens me.

First off: Any mother with embryos in an IVF clinic that does not birth every little patriot should be tried for negligible homicide and treason. If for some reason a woman cannot birth anymore, she should be allowed to hire other women to carry these fetuses full term. These "stork women" can be mail ordered from Russia and other cold climate countries. Imagine a wall of women on gurneys in stirrups in the back room of a snowflake GI clinic between a Baptist church and a recruiting center. I would be at a table on the opposite wall with a straw and waxy cup full of frozen fetus, spitting them across the lab right into the catcher's mit. Of course, if any of the women get upset, I'll load my straw from a cup of ice and aim a little lower. Chill mutha!

Now, the reason liberals want to fund stem cell research is to cure disease, because liberals want to lower the cost of health care. The sad thing is that pharmaceutical companies depend on the ill for profit. Take a type 1 diabetic for example: These schmucks need insulin - profit for Eli Lily. They need 2 or more syringes a day - profit for BD. Then there's the glucometers and test strips, stab a finger 4 xs a day and bleed on a stick. These strips are like a buck a piece bringing in billions a year to the glucometer industry. Believe me, I've been studying this disease online a few minutes per the last couple days, so I'm an expert. Diabetes is good for the pharmaceutical industry. Yet, these people are also the reason us healthy and wealthy Americans pay more than our fair share to the honest insurance man.

Rather than using our future military personnel to find cures, we should use the sick to cure the strain on insurance. Yes, this would cost the drug makers a bundle, but it's for my own good. Here's a better solution:

Take all diabetics, cancer patients, Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, deaf, dumb, blind, HIV, herpes, erectile dysfunked, sickle cell people and give them tickets to Murphy's Walk-in Theater in the So Cal desert. Once the stainless steel, air tight theater is nearly full of movie goers who've purchased some Ericson's hot buttered popcorn or chicken jerky, the show will begin. The lights will dim, the door will be locked from the outside, and the movie will start. Exactly half way through Schindler's List the gas will be turned on, the lights will get brighter and the cameras will roll. We'll be entertained with the footage of people piling atop each other flopping like fish. With the right mosh pit music playing, this kind of video could double my subscribers on You Tube and might even get me on Larry King, if he isn't thrown in the mosh pit movie before I'm famous.

Farewell Mofakas!

2009-02-25T16:34:00.000-08:00

I've got the new roof on the house. I'll help get it painted and fix the porch so Motha Ericson can move in.

I'll be starting my new job taxiing prisoners from Gitmo to the streets of Miami soon. This should keep me employed for a few months, as I'll be using a small motorized canoe. After the Gitmo gig I'll hopefully be the newest member of Blue Man Group. I've seen all their routines and practice them in the garage.

I'll be around till Wednesday. Hope the guest poster for GVD shows up with her guest post for GVD, by then.

As Jimi says: I won't see you again in this world. See you in the next one...
Don't be late.

Best

Proof that evolution is BS

2009-02-17T23:18:00.000-08:00

I stole this from Crooks and Liars, who stole it from someone else. The liberal thieves.

Little do these liberals know, adaption of climate and condition is much different than conquering the climate and conditions by taking action.

We will make the weather evolve to our will and offer unto us a Northwest passage. Roll up your pant legs or buy a canoe Inuits. Your snow chiseling days are over. Thank God for the progress you enjoy.

Let us all praise the modern Conservative party for helping us evolve to find new trade route and better access to the fossil fuels below the north pole.

Speed more important than size of package

2009-02-09T18:29:00.000-08:00

I spent the afternoon at my good friend, Rich Lowry's pad. He showed Rush, Billo and I his totally rad blacklight room and we all tripped out on the REO Speedwagon, and Lover Boy posters while listening to some Journey. After Michael Phelps left and Rush polished off a bag of Cheetos, 3 Big Macs and 2 boxes of Fiddle Faddle we went to the living room, sat on the couch to talk politics and watch what liberals watch: CNN.

State of the Union with John King came on. His guest was Debbie Wasserman Schultz. I expected to hear some sharp criticism of the dialogue between King and the red headed Senator from Florida:

John King: 37 lawmakers, critics and analysts have made the rounds this morning on the Sunday talk shows. Democratic Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz of Florida, she gets the last word. Thank you for joining us here.

If you listen to the debate this morning, people look at this compromise the Senate brokered Friday and they say the only way to keep it intact and get a bill to President Obama by the end of this coming week is to keep that number. As you know, your speaker, many other Democrats in the House say, no. No, we don't like this bill. I think the speaker used the term violent, did violence to what you're trying to accomplish in the House. So will you come back in the House this week and say we're putting the money back in?

Debbie Wasserman Schultz: What we're going to come back in the House this week and do is make sure that we can apply the tourniquet to the gash that has been busted open in the economy after eight years of Republican applied leeches.

At the end of the day, the front page of "The Washington Post" said agree speed matters more than size and shape. And we're going through the normal legislative process, the give and take, and ensure that we can invest in our nation's infrastructure.

Sadly, there was no lib bashing after the interview. Instead, Billo was sweating profusely and Rush was scratching his roids and panting. So I looked over at Rich Lowry who finally spoke saying, "I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Schultz whispered, "Speed matters more than size and shape," sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, "Hey, I think she just winked at me." She sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America."

I'll not be visiting Rich Lowry's pad again.

PROOF that prayer doesn't work. In 5 seconds.

2009-02-09T01:18:00.001-08:00

I'm so angry I could LOL!!!

Help: By-Product of Greed - Humor: Casualty

2009-02-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it took me so long to learn how cruel humans are. I've always known there are those that treat others horribly: Racists, Sexists, Conservatives, but it's become clear to me recently that every segment of society is chock full of butt holes.

Are Liberals a kind-hearted bunch because their ideology promotes the rights of all groups of people no matter how small a minority? No. Liberalism exists because people know that if one group can be discriminated against, someday they too can be discriminated against. They don't vote because they care about other people. They vote the way do to protect their own rights. They defend their gender, race, sexual orientation, or sexual promiscuity. They don't give a fuck about their fellow man. Votes do not come from the goodness of their hearts.

Do Christians give to and start charities because they really care enough to help? No. They start charities to earn a good reputation in the world and bring in recruits. They give because they are trying to buy their way into Heaven, or "one up" their fellow parishioners.

The groups above will sprinkle small grains of help to the masses. But when meeting someone in desperate need they'll laugh and hurl insults like, "loser" or "creep." They'll try to paint someone who's in pain and asking for help as a monster deserving of pain. Nobody ever stops to really help someone face to face. I've seen a lot of this lately from people I admired. I used to be able to laugh off the evils by placing all the blame on the worst offenders. It's not funny when everyone deserves the blame. Nothing is funny anymore. There's nothing funny about this world.

I'm sad enough to take two bottles of whiskey, an ipod, and a lawn chair to the railroad tracks and pass out. I ain't going out on a machine in a cold little room to hear mom and siblings cry in the hall after a visit, not me. I'm taking the train till the last chunk of Rudeness drops off somewhere near that meteor crater in Arizona. Then John Travolta will pick my piece up and take it to Xenu's space plane. My evil warlord father, A. Xenu Ericson -the AXE, will create a new HE from my dna: A bigger, stronger, faster, aichier Rudy Ericson, damn it.

Punxsutawney Filler

2009-02-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

Scored again! I plucked that tasty little morsel from his holeside.

*Peek-a-boo* **BLAM!** Stew, damn, it.

He's been cubed, browned, and simmered in some tomato sauce, with a load of veggies. No broccoli. Ick. Ptooey!

it's an old Amish recipe I got from Kelly MacGillis (my favorite Amishican). Man is it gooood.

Happy extra long winter fuckers! And pass the the tooth picks.

Fossil Fuckers

2009-01-30T21:18:00.000-08:00

Sadly, Obama reached across the aisle and gave the Republicans some mighty impotent...er...I mean important tax cuts. Not one Republican vote for his stimulus package after he caved and gave billions towards tax cuts, just for them.

The new dying Whig party is obsolete. They are fossilizing as I type. And in the green future their fossil fuels will be worthless, except maybe in countries that are, or used to be, umm...socialist, communist.

Rodney Kings Revenge

2009-01-26T20:55:00.000-08:00

ALERT: Obamabot PD targets local Fox anchorman:

According to reports, a deputy saw a 2006 BMW driving recklessly inside the Channelside parking garage shortly after 10 p.m. Friday. The deputy said Russell Rhodes was trying to exit through the toll area of the garage and attempting to back into cars behind him when he stopped him.

At that point, the deputy said Rhodes got out of the car with his belt and pants undone, although they were still up, and that he appeared to be confused and possibly intoxicated. The deputy said Rhodes tried to walk away twice after he was ordered to hand over his keys, and then he ran from the garage. The deputy grabbed Rhodes, and when he began to flail his arms, the deputy took him to the ground, the report said.

David Duke warned us this would happen. The fact that a white man can't drive all over the road with his pants around his ankles without being hasseled by the man is proof that the establishment is holding us back. We must fight these brown eyed devils.

I'm going to jump rope on trampolines until I'm able to dunk. I'll practice counting by fives and slamming dominoes until I become the domino champ of South central LA. My pasty white brethren: We'll have to learn to keep collard greens and catfish down without puking.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go karaoke some gangsta rap. We're gonna beat from the inside, at their own games.

Fox: Presidential fisting

2009-01-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

"We also need to be affectionate, and you can see that with Barack and Michelle as well. They do a lot of touching, kissing, even fisting with one another."

Poke me with a fork

2009-01-20T23:36:00.000-08:00

EDITED - UPDATED - New and Improved.

When the blood sugar gets low, I kind of get a feeling like I'm drunk. Evidently, I screwed up two of the blogs and may have done some stupid things online. I'll have to look around and see what else I did tomorrow.

Yikes!

2009-01-20T17:50:00.000-08:00

Now that the blacks have taken over, I fear for my life.

I cannot venture outside again. Black cops will beat me with night sticks.

I might move to the land where white peple rule. Yes, I just might move to South Africa.

Daniel

2009-01-16T19:14:00.000-08:00

At the blood bank where I donate platelets every 28 days was a 21 year old volunteer named Daniel. Daniel was a greeter in the snack area, and offered juice, and goodies to those coming out of the "vampire room". After your 15 minutes of sitting, Daniel would say, "Time for your mandatory hug before you leave." After a hug I would say, "Masher!" stare at him, then hug him back. He thought that was funny.

Daniel was diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease (PDK) when he was just a few days old. In his short lifetime he became sort of an expert on the proper diet for those with kidney ailments. In exchange for his advice, I would make him laugh until his sides hurt.

Today Daniel's girlfriend was the greeter. She would tell eveyone as they entered the snack area that Daniel finally succumbed to PKD. During my 15 minutes of sitting, she told me that Daniel would come home laughing, and would repeat my jokes and silly stories to her. She thanked me, and said the laughter gave him another reason to smile, and feel hope. She gave me a book about dialysis he wanted me to have, and a list of foods to eat, and rules to follow that will keep me healthy. At the bottom of his list he wrote:

Always laugh. Never let anyone's mean words hurt you. Never give up.

Danny was not a poet, but he new his words meant a lot to me.

After my 15 minutes of sitting, actually it was more like an hour, I got my "mandatory" hug from Beverly. I looked at her as you'd look at a groper, and called her a masher. Then I hugged her, and cried all over the shoulder shoulder of my favorite shirt.

I wish I'd have found out in time to attend the serices.

Fast food and funk...

2009-01-14T14:17:00.001-08:00

...In a bottle.

Burger King has a body spray for men that smells something like cooked hamburger. This is a scent that would only attract the attention of hungry men and bears. The name of this parfum is Flame. See? When Hershey, or Nestle come out with a body spray, I'll be buying crates of it.

For women

Tommy Ford has a new cologne for women who want to smell like they just got lucky, and didn't bother to bathe. It's a cologne that smells like a man's crotch. This is a good scent for cross dressers. If some folks in the office suspect that you're a woman dressed as a man, slash a bit of this on your pants and before you know it, you'll have your promotion, and a seat in the bar and cigar room.

For a scent that lends more detail to the man funk you desire, you'll be happy to learn that Secretiones Magnifiques offers an odoriferous emanation of blood, sweat and semen. I think Casting Couch would have been a good name for this one.

ATTENTION WOMEN OF THE WORLD:
Don't waste your money on synthetic man crotch, sweat, and semem scents. These are made by rich stink designers whose companies employ a firms worth of lawyers - Bunch of ball washing bastards! I suppose I can set it up for you, that would save you some money. If you get the forms I'll prepare them for you, nearly free of charge. I'd only ask three beers a piece for each of us. I think a man working on a woman feels more like a man if he can have a bottle of suds. That's only my opinion... laaadies.

Sorry. I had that Shawshank DVD playing as I was typing.

Anyway, I'll gladly offer every scent I have if it makes you feel better. Well, I won't offer you the any blood, but I do have gallons upon gallons of sweat and semen. AND IT'S ALL FOR YOU!!! Get it while it's hot.

What are you jimmies staring at? Back to work!

Be Fruitful is 2 years old!

2009-01-08T00:12:00.001-08:00

I started this profile 2 years ago.

I lost the motivation to blog about July 2008.

I left links on the side bar if anyone is clever enough to find them.

4 Year Old Shoots Babysitter

2009-01-06T22:57:00.000-08:00

Al-Qaeda has been training sharp shooters in Jackson County, Ohio for approximately four years. The child is currently being held in a Guantanemo Bay nursery. After days without sunlight, food, or Barney, the little bastard finally cracked. In exchange for a bowl of Spaghettios, and some Kool-Aid, interrogators learned the whereabouts of other al-Kidda terror cells in Texas, Arizona, Alabama and Alaska.

ATTENTION Babsitters in Ohio, Texas, Arizona, Alabama, and Alaska: Beware of biological weapons smuggled in diapers. If you sense that a baby might have WMDs in his/her britches, alert your local authorities, or Humane Society.

2009-01-06T18:52:00.000-08:00

CHICAGO — Call her The Incredible Shrinking African- American Woman.

In an age when the adult populations of most industrialized nations have grown significantly taller, the average height of black women in the U.S. has been receding, beginning with those born in the late 1960s.

The difference in stature between white women and black women has now stretched to three-quarters of an inch and appears to be increasing, according to newly released data from the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey (NHANES) conducted by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Sorry, Donnel, Ronak will not be allowed to marry your little daughters.

Application for Fiance

2009-01-05T18:52:00.001-08:00

My son's 18th birthday is coming up later this week. He'll have 3 months to find a new place to live, 6 months to find a wife, and 7 months to impregnate her. If he fails at any of these three simple rules he'll be written out of the my will and we'll never see him again. Nobody will ever see him again.

The girl H. Ronak chooses to wed will have to pass muster with me, of course. So, I made enough copies of the following questionaire for 250 young women to answer. Feel free to copy and print some for your own daughters to fill out.

Application for Fiance

What is your parents annual income?
Are you in your parents will?
Are your parents gravely ill?

How serious are you about having only one partner forever?
Would you ever consider sleeping with your father-in-law?
Rate yourself on a scale of 1 - 10.
How long does it take you to drink a large milk shake through a Crazy Straw?
Do you feel like being naughty after a couple of drinks?
Would you mind dying your hair red once or twice a year?
Have you ever called the police on an older man?

How much do you love doing yard work?
Do you know the timing specs for a Chevy 350?
Can you make lasagne?
Are you willing to give an interview/audition?

Thanks, and see you soon.

Pho Ha Faux Pas (not at all)

2009-01-02T21:59:00.000-08:00

There's a new Vietnamese restaurant in my favorite mini-mall. Feeling Rudy like, I decided to dine there and give a waiter a hard time.

Damn, I got a waitress. She brought the menu to my table and smiled.

"You boom boom, Charlie"? I asked my cherry blossom.

She laughed and said, "No...no boom boom. I no know you well".

"I'll come back every day until you know me well enough. How many days will this take, Charlie"? I begged.

"Oh... I no know," she said.

"Two days!" I told my nasally voiced won ton.

"No. Four, five days." said she.

"Well alright then, three days," said the HE.

"You likee olientow women?" Charlie asked.

"Yes. Me likee all womens," I told my little ninja.

"You funnyman. I bring you flee eggrow," she said with a big smile.

I ordered a vegetarian dish with a side of soup, or pho as they call it. I tasted the soup and added some chili seeds soaked in oil, and the common red chili sauce that's on every Asian type food like restaurant table. She was watching me taste the soup adding more and more hot stuff. My taste for spicy grub seemed to impress her, "You like the spicy food like the Vietnamese men".

"No," I corrected my almond eyed, almond cookie, Almond Rocha, Almond Joy, "I like my spicy food like I like my spicy women that I like. I don't like spicy men. I don't even like bland men."

"What is bland"? my little bean sprout asked.

"Bland is not spicy. Are you bland"? I asked.

"You find out 'notha day." said my geisha girl.

I felt a stirring beneath my fly. Change jingled in my pocket. I grimaced trying not to adjust myself in front of her. Then luckily, it sprang passed the keys and I was OK.

"You come back tomollow"? asked my sweet mandarin orange.

"What time do you start"? asked me.

"Early moaning to closing time," answered my little ginger, cilantro, and fish sauce marinated chicken breast strip grilled on a stick dipped in a spicy peanut sauce.

"I'll come in for lunch. Will you be on the menu"? I asked.

"No. Not tomollow...well...maybe." said my lotus.

HA! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Ha! .....

HAAA!

Being Rudy in real life seems to work with most people, so long as I don't go overboard. And I can go overboard at times online, but rarely in real life.

I hope she's not into that karaoke shit like my Phillipino neighbors are. I mean, I get a kick out of hearing the guy sing, "Wise man say only fools rush in," but I ain't singing a word for my Viet-Cong commie babe unless I'm shitface drunk.

Oh, I asked the guy next door if his wife could sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. If I hear her singing that next weekend, I know I'll roll off the porch L-ing my AO.

Oh, and oh! Here's the best video on YouTube:

Belly dancing should be a required course for all female college students, and women who apply for a driver's license, or even a Sam's Club card.

What the..?

2009-01-01T00:01:00.001-08:00

I was sound asleep dreaming that Angelina Jolie was... uhh...

I was sound asleep when bunch of racket came through the bars on my bedroom window. "WTF"!?! I shouted (I scream out letters often times). It sounded like all Hell just broke loose right now just after midnight right just now. It did!

I immediately ran to the computer to report to all my lovely readers that al-Qaeda is attacking!!! Head for the hills. You can show me the appreciation I deserve for saving your lives once it's safe out again.

*No. I did not post date this earlier today. Shut. Up.

**BTW, this is Be Fruitful's 200th post.

2008-12-18T19:05:00.000-08:00

I switched the year on this post to keep it off my front page out of sight of sneaky tomato throwing liberals. And just 'cause I felt like it.

Forget it

2008-12-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

I've decided to forget about getting my roof, and floor fixed. That'd be a waste of time. I don't need a roof and floor anyway.

I'm going to sleep now.

Tagged by me

2008-12-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

I stole this meme fair and square from Bluez, DaBeautiful, and Scribe. I'll print it out and put it in the shoebox under my bed with the undies, knick knacks, and deodorants I've crawled through their windows to collect.

Five names you go by
1. Peewart (by older brother and sister)
2. Timroid (by older brother)
3. Eyed (short for four-eyed, thanks "Caveman")
4. Unkie Tim (by my youngest niece and nephew)
5. Asshole (by my dearest friends) xoxo

Three things you are wearing right now
1. A shower cap
2. A selfmade pearl necklace
3. An evil grin

Two things you want very badly at the moment
1. A woman
2. Nachos

Three people who will probably fill this out
1. Bluez
2. DaBich
3. Scribe

Two things you did last night
1. Collect guano from a nearby cave to use in a presidential sculpture I'll donate to the Bush library
2. Prayed for peace in North America, and Mexico

Two things you ate today
1. "Me"
2. "Shit and die"

Two people you last talked to on the phone
1. A contractor quoting a bid to refurbish my colossal mansion
2. Heidi Fleiss

Two things you are going to do tomorrow
1. Tear the woofer out of the little rap fuckers car next door
2. Leave a message, and my number in Monica Lewinski's voice mail

Two longest car rides:
1. Moreno Valley, CA to Ft. Leonardwood, MO to see my eldest nephew graduate bootcamp in 2000
2. Moreno Valley, CA to Colorado Springs, CO in 2003 to see my eldest nephew before his first tour in Iraq

Two of your favourite beverages
1. Tom Collins
2. Jesus juice

We've blamed the wrong exhaust pipes

2008-12-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

The rising temperature of the planet's oceans is melting the ice caps. The warmer waters also create more hurricanes, tornadoes, and make alligators even angrier.

One or two scientists have said that global warming comes from automobile exhaust pipes. But this genius has a more believable theory. In an exclusive interview he smeared his brilliance all over me:

"In a small way, the problem is man-made. See, a few decades ago we would collect ambergris from ocean surfaces. This sweet smelling, waxy, grayish substance was used to make perfume. Now that Avon is using synthetics in it's fufu the oceans are covered in ambergris, warming the waters and pissing off the alligators.

I strongly urge executives from Avon, and Hai Karate to ask Congress for a few hundred billion dollars so they can build a fleet of ambergris collecting ships to skim the funk off the oceans. I mean, Sea World cleans it's aquariums out every three years or so. Why shouldn't we clean the sperm whale crap out of the oceans so men and women can splash it on their faces?"

Damn sperm whales. They think their shit don't stink.

3 favorite comedians

2008-12-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

DaBich sent emails threatening my life if I didn't do this meme. I told her that I wasn't afraid to die.

DaBich threatened to post nude photos of me if I didn't do this meme.

I was young and needed the money. The photos were tastefully done. Still, I thought it best to submit to DaBich's blackmailing to save my children the embarassment...

And to keep them from pointing and laughing at me. Evil little bastards!

3) David Gregory.
This MSNBC funnyman hosted a show titled Race to the White House. The show on November 5, was his funniest. Now he has a show called 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. His show is broadcast from New York. He's such a funny man.

Number 2) Billo Reilly
I love the self-proclaimed "Culture Warrior" and his style of humor. Threatening Phil Donahue, sending body guards after callers who disagree with him, screaming over the guests he interviews. What a double-digit IQ comedy genius! He's douched to a squeaky cleanliness.

1) George W. Fush (short for Fucking Bush!)
I'll never forget his greatest jokes:

"I saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It's pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future."

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."

"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."

"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."

"People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you."

"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him."

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."

"I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job."

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator."

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"But all in all, it's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." —Dec. 20, 2001

I also like George Carlin, Robin Williams, and Eddie MURPHY.

Show me your pussy

2008-11-25T23:27:00.000-08:00

Headed for a depression

2008-11-21T17:08:00.000-08:00

I first noticed all the signs about three years ago. There seemed to be a glimmer of hope a of couple times since then, but it just didn't happen. It never will.

Time to tighten the belt. I don't see hope coming in my lifetime. I'm afraid I'll have to get by choking a chicken every night or so.

World leaders refuse to shake Bush's hand

2008-11-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

I was shocked to see the leaders of so many nations not offering their hand to the most successful, popular president ever. Then I remembered this. He must have been caught at it again. Get help, Mr. President.

A vote for change: Reborn again

2008-11-18T18:21:00.000-08:00

First posted here on Sept 28, 2008.

I decided I'd repost this once more again just incase somebody missed or did not see it the first time before this last time. I would hate to deprive anyone of the world's greatest blog post just because they were too busy to read it the first time. So you can read it or reread it now:

Most people believe that 4 more years of a Republican in the WH will ruin the country and make middle-class Americans poor and miserable. What they fail to realize is that the middle-class treats the poor as horribly as Republicans treat the middle-class. I call it Trickle Down Snobbery. Most people look down on those who need. They criticize and demean them. The bum on the street gets passed by and sneered at. The little kid with holes in his jeans gets laughed at by his classmates. The same people that ridicule their neighbors send money to charities for starving kids in Cambodia, Peru or Botswana. They might paint a mural on a wall for hungry kids in L.A. They might even save a dog that's scheduled to be euthanized, but help out a person they've laughed and had conversations with when he needs some help? FUCK NO!

Try to make jobs to better the lives of the poor?

That's not change we can believe in.

We need to make poor out of the middle-class to bring real change. Only when McCain accomplishes this will we begin to help each other. We might give that poor kid some hand-me-downs. We might give that homeless man a can of food. We might give the lonely guy some attention.

I'll vote for a government that makes us kinder people, not one that makes stingy people out of the poor, good people.

There is one too many classes in this country. All we need is two. John McCain will eliminate the snobby middle-class and make us all nicer people. I'm voting for that.

Today is the first of many horrible days to follow. I don't feel so good.

Edited, Snipped, and cut

2008-11-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

Millions of loyal readers:

This blog administrater is no longer allowed to drink while he is authoring the posts that you can't live without.

I hate to be so strict, but self discipline is essential to keeping the respect that I so greatly deserve.

Now, who wants to anoint my feet with oil, while I spanks myself?

Donnell?

We Were Skewed

2008-11-09T22:01:00.000-08:00

But now it's all better.

Want to know how wrong Algore and his global warming alarmists are? Of course you do. They're big time wrong. Exactly, and precisely about that wrong.

Twelve-month long drop in world temperatures wipes out a century of warming.

"The total amount of cooling ranges from 0.65C up to 0.75C — a value large enough to erase nearly all the global warming recorded over the past 100 years. All in one year time.- Daily Tech

You can see it clear as day. The oceans have cooled. The polar caps have grown back to their former size. Not a single report of an oceanliner being sunk by a stray iceberg. And I can hear little green Leonardo DiCaprio screaming, "I'm the King of the world," from right here in my cubicle. Only the liberals are scorched over this good news.

I said it before and I'll say it tomorrow and again once more, after this global warming hysteria is all over we'll be begging for a little climate change.

Update: FoxxNews has evidence that Algore and friends are trying to pull the wool blanket over our eyes again. Busted.

Algore is manufacturing global warming himself. The tires used to cause this horrendous blaze have been matched to old tire's on Algore's Hummer.

Be Fruitful

Dinner company

Perry's Brilliant Strategy

DirecTV & FOX

I admit it. What's to say?

Bummer

LO!

Nearly Raptured

H is for Hungry

End Times Survival Kit

Bullshit Fertilizes li'l' Turdblossoms

HbA1c & iron levels

Fountain of Youth

Murphy's Lie

Very Romantic Valentine's Day

Universal Health Care is UnConstitutional

Rocky Mountain Panther Piss on Tap

Boycott American Women (With fancy update!)

MM & I Xmas

Snowering with homosexuals

My Idol: Thomas Kinkaid

Drink up!

Mars Attacks!

Get Younger Now!

Things I've learned about people whilst being online

Hello Dalai

Fred Phelps: Half-Hearted Christian

Ola, Senoras!

H. Rudy Ericson Members Project Commercial "Be A Sue"

The Kinks - Sunny Afternoon

Strange Endorsement

Shar(R)on's Angle

Sassy Meatloaf

TP Coloring Book

Close shivved

My progressive kick is over

iPod phone

We want coal miner titties!!!

PR

Feelin' no pain

Trippin'

Big Gay Sandwich

Moon Bats in the Belfry *hiccup*

That's Tariffic

Homeland Security Spy Cams

Evil people

Fuck You Tube!

WOOT!

Busted!

MILF!

Your Big Gay Collar Doesn't Intimidate Me

Who would you rather your children listen to?

Living Dead

D'evolutione - haugh haugh haugh!

MJ Facts you'll get nowhere else but here on BeFruitful.blogspot.com - The news blog!

Lost hope

I Shall Return

Euphanize Rudy

Poll: Who Speaks for the GOP?

A Night On The Town

What's Happening with Rudy?

Big Bad Terrorist

Rudy's Blind Date

Unfair Polls

Rudy's Artistic Side

Bull's Eye!

Farewell Mofakas!

Proof that evolution is BS

Speed more important than size of package

PROOF that prayer doesn't work. In 5 seconds.

Help: By-Product of Greed - Humor: Casualty

Punxsutawney Filler

Fossil Fuckers

Rodney Kings Revenge

Fox: Presidential fisting

Poke me with a fork

Yikes!

Daniel

Fast food and funk...

Be Fruitful is 2 years old!

Moon Bats in the Belfry hiccup